TKRPoetry

TKR - OS Dialogue & Poetry

For those that are awaiting TKR or are in the gloom and doom of some other knee related event, here is something that may make you laugh !

I thought it was going to be rough breaking in a new OS. I have a hunch my regular OS filled his partner in about me. The new OS (NOS) was armed and ready.

NOS: So, what's going on with your knee?

ME: I was told I need a new one.

NOS: How far can you walk, a block, maybe 2?

ME: From my front door to the mailbox. Every step I take kills me, right up to my teeth.

NOS: Where does it hurt (he's holding my leg out in full extension as I about fly off the table)here, or here?

ME: OWWWWWWW, THAT HURTS!!!!

NOS: Well, from looking at your films and reading the OS report, you need a new knee. You're young, and while it's unusual, they're done much younger. I just did one on a 34 yr old. If you've got to have it, what are you going to do? Why continue to suffer?

ME: Ok, well, I have a ton of questions for you (panic sets in because I can only remember 3 questions).

ME: Humm, how long will I be on crutches?

ME: FOURRRRR WEEKKKSSSS??? WHY SOOO LONG? WHAT ABOUT TWO? (my voice has become very loud and high pitched)

NOS: Bone takes awhile to grow around the prostesis.

ME: When can I drive?

ME: FOURRRRR WEEKKKSSSS?? WHY 4 WEEKS?

NOS: If you can prove to me that you can do certain functions, I may allow you to drive sooner (yawn).

ME: Ok, well, how long will I be in the hospital?

ME: FIVEEEE DAYYSSSS??? WHY 5 DAYS????

NOS: OH, QUIT YOUR BITC*ING! IT USED TO BE ELEVEN!!

ME: I'm not a good inpatient.

NOS: Thanks for letting me know. You bitc*, I bitc*.

ME: Oh good, we'll get along great!

NOS: Surgery is approx 1.5 to 2 hrs. After surgery you'll be in recovery, then up to your room.

ME: I have a high tolerance for pain, but I will moan and gripe if you touch my knee and hurt me.

NOS: I expect you will (yawn).

ME: Can I cheat when I'm on crutches? I hate crutches !

NOS: Now that I know you cheat, I'll take a look at your bones and decide if I want to cememt both parts or not.

ME: I cheat all the time, ask anyone. I cheat in cards too.

NOS: That's good to know (yawn)

ME: Egads, I hope you get enough sleep the night before my surgery, I wouldn't want you to fall asleep while you're in my knee.

NOS: It'll be early. It's 2pm now, I have low sugar and it affects me about this time.

ME: Here, have a lifesaver. Oh, and don't be getting any hiccups when your jig sawing my bones off.

NOS: Ok, so, I'm away later this month and will be back the 7th. When would you like to have it done, next week?

NOS: Well, you need to get a physical, talk with my medical secretary to set a date, and get back here one more time to see me a few days before surgery. (Stands up)It's nice to meet you, and don't worry, you'll be fine. I'll see to it. (Starts walking out the door and out of sight)

ME: OH, WAIT A MINUTE!! We didn't set a definite date down on your notes, did we.

NOS: No, you do that when you call my secretary.

ME: (Wiping brow--speaking softly) Oh, thank God. (Little louder now) I wasn't ready to set a date--thanks.

-------------------------------------------------------------

ME: (Remembering 2 more questions as he's walking away from me) Ah, excuse me, 2 more questions please. I've seen people have bow legs after knee replacement. Will I have that?

NOS: You have a bow leg now, and I'll have to fix that so it's straight.

ME: What about limping? Will I limp?

NOS: I don't care if you limp, so long as there's no pain.

ME: But I'm only 51, I don't want to limp.

NOS: OK, then you won't limp.

ME: (I sigh now) This is driving me batty.

NOS: Driving you batty? You're batty already.

ME: Thanks Doc, we're going to get along great.

NOS: (Shaking my hand and smiling) Yes, we will.

How'd I do? I may be proud of myself for doing this, I'm not sure.